personal renaissance

After the most recent Friday the 13th moon eclipse, I’m feeling a renewed sense of direction. I’ve created emotional space where there once was none. I’ve made room for self-growth, novel experiences, and a major re-assessment of my close relationships. I recently distanced myself from toxic relationships with people who don’t mean to be toxic, and realizing those people do exist. They do not mean to hurt you or be selfish, but they are not in the best headspace and can’t see they are hurting you by their actions (or inaction).

Cutting you off this week & dealing with the aftermath, especially after such a magical whirlwind of a weekend cross-country traveling and sharing our first experience at Electric Forest, it felt like a legitimate narcotics withdrawal. But like withdrawals, I knew that contacting you would feel great in the moment for my immediate gratification, but it would make things so much harder and worse for me in the long run. This is a major breakthrough moment for me because I am so used to never setting boundaries in relationships. My greatest hope that this space apart will be better for the both of us in the long run, whether we rekindle our relationship in a better mindset or resume being best friends. You’re the first person I want to talk to when new music comes out on Soundcloud *you’re my music soulmate*, when I want to go to a show, or just the last person I want to talk to on the phone at the end of the night. When we first started dating, neither of us were ready to be in a relationship: we both recently got out of ones that were not making us happy. All we knew is that we made each other happy & the feelings were strong - like we were soulmates. So we just went with it, even though we knew it was slowly destroying us. We are so alike in so many ways, which was both a positive and a negative. Positive in that it allows us for have such amazing, effortless chemistry, and a positive/negative, we are so similar I can see areas of my personality that I want to change about myself. Like how we both tend to get into relationships to fill a void of loneliness and numb our insecurities. 

I believe you when you say you don’t feel adequate enough to be in a relationship right now. I don’t think it is the typical excuse most men give when they don’t want to commit. Perhaps I’m just being overly optimistic. But I truly believe you when you tell me that I’m different from your past relationships, how you didn’t want this relationship to suffocate & die, that you don’t want to be with anyone else, and it would be scary to imagine your life without me in it. Because I feel the same. I just don’t think you’re ready to give me what I have been willingly giving you. I’d love to have a future with you, but healthy communication & emotional intimacy are non-negotiables for me. I don’t doubt that you love me, just not in the way I need right now. I’ve been through breakups that were pretty black & white: he/I wanted to cease communication and the relationship was over. This is completely new to me, because I’m creating space between a person I still love & a person who still loves me. You’re my best friend & I think about how you’re doing all the time. It is scary to imagine that you’d rather just give up and not confront your emotions and insecurities, and just move on to the next girl, but I have to keep reminding myself that you want this to work. If you don’t, then clearly I didn’t need you in my life anyway, and there is someone out there who is ready to be there for me in a relationship in the ways that I need without having it being difficult to ask for. He has been my favorite person to love so far: my feelings for him in the past 7 months have far exceeded what I felt with a person I was with for nearly 4 years. Perhaps we’ll cross paths again in a few months, but I love you and miss you dearly, Nicholas.